Despertando

Jonesing Today

2012-02-08T20:19:00.000+01:00

It’s been a while (Nov 2011) since I left Facebook. I do not miss it, on the contrary. And… I still have other social media in my life (G+, LinkedIn, Twitter), but only “use” them from time to time and for particular reasons.

The Facebook experience was becoming a bit too compulsive. Creating an account in 2008 was already peer pressure and giving in to herd behavior (which I don’t like at all), but once on it, some kind of exhibitionistic, peer pressured, obsessive composure kicked in.

It is interesting why we feel this urge to “prove” how wonderful our lives are. Prove. To whom? Our “friends” (= those in our friends list)? – because by the tone of their status updates, it seems they are having a ball in their life too! Gotta keep up with that. It seems like Jonesing. Today’s version of it. We don’t want to fail to keep up with the Joneses.

I think the word “status” might say it all. Back in the old day, the material status of your peers COULD be the stimulus to try and acquire more for yourself. Nowadays, maybe one’s social media status is doing the same. But then much faster and much more intense. You don’t even need to look for it, it comes right atcha! At the speed of sound almost ;) We are constantly being pushed and stirred to keep up. Promoting ourselves to the extreme. The more “I like” you give the more you receive . It must be good for your “status”.

Fun nights out, holiday pictures, attending social events. This is proof. Proof of happiness. Proof of keeping up…

But what about the reality behind this virtual shallow scene? Is this about life?

Maybe underneath… in the real world… our life is not that swell.
And our “friends” really don’t have it all together…

So what about the ones that can’t keep up? Never ever, or just temporarily…
What is the impact of “missing out”, not having all that fun… not doing all that interesting stuff etc… That could leave a person pretty depressed at the end of the day. It can not be beneficial for your self esteem, thinking everyone else is having a better life than you!

Instead of becoming “more involved” in your friends network, you might end up becoming more isolated. Mentioning you feel down in your status might not return the reaction you hope for. Maybe someone will answer with a "sad smiley emoticon" or someone else will say: chin up! (yes! With the exclamation mark!) And then you can answer: yes! You’re right! Life is beautiful! The more exclamation marks, the harder you try to fake cheerfulness.

The real friend will give you a call or drop by - and would be doing it anyway, because that person is your real friend, not a cyber friend and … cares for you, and probably has more tools to express compassion than cyber emotions.

Depression is becoming the number one disease in the Western world.
Social media and depression are often found in the same sentence in numerous articles.
Might be worth keeping up with thát.

Countering individualism: how about a shift

2011-11-21T18:22:00.000+01:00

When I was growing up in the 80’s, I heard stories about the individualization of society. How everything that once was giving us meaning, values and norms, was collapsing around us. It was time for the “ me “ era. I even studied some of that in my Sociology classes at university in the 90’s. Back then, I agreed, but I couldn’t be bothered. I probably thought it was a good development. More attention for me. Yep. Less connection to a collective. Less ties. That had got to mean more freedom!
In those 90’s, more and more, the attention for self development emerged. Magazines, books, TV talkshows, therapists, peer talk, the internet… The message was clear: you are important, explore yourself, find out who you are, personal liberties are priority, you gotta love yourself!

Now here we are. Trying to be “global”. With all that emphasis on the individual, group values are fading. With all that culture of competition, our natural sense to collaborate is fading. With all these ways to connect... But are we then that connected when interpersonal experiences are inferior to our own needs? Sure we have plenty of channels to connect, but never have we been so disconnected from each other. And these “needs” we have, too often seem to have been flavored with consumerism. Want it now. Want more, want something else now. Have it, toss it. Next.
With all that freedom. Are we then free? Yep we have lots of choices, but the choices are no longer built on a common ground, we identify less and less with a community, a group. Who are we again? What is left to identify with? (Or should we just go for the virtual identity? No need to be yourself online anyway!)
And so the choice you make can bring you insecurity, there is an uncertainty of its consequence. And that is scary. Fear feeds our thoughts and decisions.
Now I am not so sure this is a good development.

How and can we/ should we counter individualization?
Is it time to revisit some ideas? A shift from less “me” to more “we” ?
A healthy amount of self reflection is good, but aloofness might not be.
Maybe more collaboration leads to more profit for all?
Are we ready for more tolerance, more patience, more commitment, joint efforts?

Look at the people flocking together in solidarity, sharing values, finding suppport in the collective... sometimes peacefully (the recent “Occupy movements”) sometimes less peaceful (Tahrir square e.g.).
It is happening.

Here is a challenge:
How do we avoid globalization pushing an “instant gratification” and “individualization” culture on us?

If life isn’t about finding yourself, but creating yourself - as G.B. Shaw states - then let’s create!

the fine print ... fine?

2011-11-12T22:11:00.000+01:00

Sources:

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150162301140301

http://picasa.google.com/legal_notices.html

ass-u-me

2011-10-21T10:58:00.001+02:00

"Assumptions lead to impatience because the lack of knowledge and uncertainty can make you feel very uncomfortable."

But isn't it also true that impatience leads to making assumptions?

It's easy to do, categorize someone's behavior! It saves time to understand the "why's"... and we can simply jump to conclusions and start acting accordingly. Hm. It sounds dangerous, but don't we all do it from time to time?

And isn't it true that in most cases, our assumptions turn out to be false?

If impatience catalyzes our "assuming behavior", could we be infected by the fast paced society? No time. Too busy. Need it right now. Immediate attention.

We lack proper communication.

We live in the reality of our assumptions because we just don't have time or patience or don't want to make the effort to "find out" what the facts are?

if he doesn't do this, then....assumption

if she does this, then... assumption

The bad news is... assumptions always seem to hold a lot of negative thoughts, hold more distrust than trust... and it might lead to judging a person... based on..???

and if you judge people, you don't have time to love them as Mother Theresa always said.

"Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life." (Miguel Angel Ruiz)

Facebook, the morning after?

2011-10-09T18:54:00.000+02:00

I read that on November 5, the hacker group Anonymous will kill Facebook. That is their threat. Has to do with privacy issues mister Z apparently doesn’t respect. Oh… whatever gave anyone the idea Facebook exists for your comfort? For your safe and convenient social interaction? Haha. There is really only one reason: making money. Their business model is based on using your (private) information (not going into details here). What you really do by “Facebooking” is offer Facebook Inc and advertisers/ app builders a very nice opportunity to make lots of money. There.

(note: see recent news articles on how Facebook is following your moves on the net even when logged out)

I didn’t really care too much about privacy and “Stalkbook’s” behavior when I signed up… I have to admit… and I never was a big fan of FB. In the beginning, it seemed like a hype… and then I usually take my distance. After a while… and a good amount of peer pressure I thought… ok… could be fun. I guess it was for a while. But today, after being a user for almost three years, there are more and more factors that nauseate me when thinking about FB and FB behavior. So, I don’t think I would mind… Facebook going down the drain.

It’s addictive. Not just the “urge” to post how you like the tomato sauce (you never know who would be interested in you saying that!) but also the “urge” to keep up with what peeps are thinking, saying, doing, … not even knowing if that is really what they think… what is really “on their mind”. Back to the tomato sauce: would it be weird to like it, enjoy it … WITHOUT having to let your friends know? If it is not on FB, it didn’t really happen? And are we maybe now deciding on doing things that could have a potential good photo for FB? It sounds ridiculous, because it should be the other way around… but even then… you don’t need to take a picture for FB to prove some event happened! You don’t need to check in at some place to prove you were there...

I was starting to feel like a slave, captive (and we are... writing on walls...just like in jail ;). I think I’d rather enjoy my tomato sauce - maybe in the company of a real person. And even if it doesn’t taste well, I don’t have to feel compelled to let my FB friends know.

Speaking of… FB friends… what a list! Friends… no no… they are not all friends… most of them are people I know. And no, I am not interested in all their updates. I am very interested in how my friends are doing. Yes. And if they have to tell me something really important, or just something nice they want to share with me, or they really want to know how I am doing… I would like for them to contact me personally, instead of them just “putting it out there”. Why has it become weird to just talk to someone?

I want to be personal with my friends. I don’t like impersonal communication with friends. Maybe we lost the drive to make that effort… because we have more important things to do… like checking FB all the time!!

(p.s. Facebook Addiction Disorder is not a joke)

When I want to share something with the world, I blog. When I want to talk to a friend... I send an email, chat, text, go for dinner/ drinks/ walks, or once in a while make a phone or video call. Facebook is not needed for any of these.

Oh yes, I DID see the world of opportunities for “connecting” with people. And “re-connecting”.

But FB is really crowded. I think I want to get away from a crowded place where my friends list is dominated by people I actually don’t consider friends... (and how cruel to start “unfriending” people) and where “ noise” is the standard (the quality of updates is not great).

And who is still following all these changes with (privacy) settings on Facebook? Are these decoy actions maybe to confuse us?

So what to do.

I have started using Google + sometime ago… I would like to believe it is very user friendly, simple, the privacy is better, the options are better (hangouts, messaging) and I have created a circle of friends and they are about 15% of my friends list on FB!

Could be the after FB episode for me, even though I realize this one might go down the same road, but at least I am giving it a shot and start anew in full control!

For now I think I will start detaching myself step by step from Facebook... minimalizing the withdrawal effects... ;)

Be-do-have

2011-09-07T17:03:00.000+02:00

The other day, a friend reminded me of something I said about 5 years ago... about happiness and inner balance and harmony.
Back then, I was still under the influence of a paradigm I grew up with. Most of us follow this do-have-be paradigm (if you do this, you will have this and then you will be "..."). I am sure you can think of a lot of examples, because that is how most of us are raised.

Great enlightenment 2 years later to find out the real paradigm, that of the universe, is the reverse. In order to have, you will first need to be "...", then be inspired to do "...." (and then you will have "..."). This sounds very abstract maybe, but again, fill in some words... what do you want/ desire?

It basically comes down to the law of attraction.
You get what you attract. Your thoughts create your reality.
Everything is energy. A flow of well being is always present, you have to allow it, the more you allow it, the better you feel. By being aware of your emotions, you are aware of your vibrational offering. You can direct your own thoughts and produce a vibration that equals your point of attraction.
By focusing on what you want/ desire... you will attract it. By focusing on what you don't want... you will also attract that. Dura lex, sed lex.

Been doing some reflecting on this again. Good exercise.
Key words to google if you want: Conversations with God, Law of attraction, Manifest your desires.
and on this page: something about be-do-have

In the meantime... I miss Burly... his presence, his purring, his commanding meows, the cuddles or just watching him... calm... peaceful... blinking his eyes at me... such a loving creature. He loves and is loved dearly- not just by me... also by a loved one (whom I miss as well).
Ah... love is a many splendored thing... it should take the lead in everything we do/ choose/ think...

My recovery... well.... I found that the road is long. And it's taking time. Getting there. I learned to slow down (yes! that's right, no more speed trains), I am learning other things... like being patient, assertive. You live, you learn.

Appreciation of both yourself and others and self love are the most important aspects to nurture.

Travel

2011-08-13T22:48:00.003+02:00

I always say: Life is a journey, not a destination. It's on my site. Well, actually, I heard Steven Tyler singing that in my favorite Aerosmith song: Amazing.
I love traveling. I do. So life must be something I like. Well.. Lately... I kinda got lost... and lots of brainracking came up. I think I was on a journey alright, a lovely one, every which way you look at it, but I should not have taken that supersonic train... and one or two obstacles less... would have kept me better on track.

The past. One of the topics on the list of discussion with friends is the past.
"Visiting your past is good to know where you come from, but letting your past control you, will take away your power of now". It's a bit like The Buddha says: The secret of a healthy mind and body lies in not to grieve for the past, not to worry about the future and not to get ahead of problems but to live wisely and honestly in the moment.
But there is grief. And there is a lot of worry. And I guess a lot of worry about grief too.
So no... not an easy "state of mind". Reading The Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle) did seem to help as far as I can remember. Makes sense that "now" is what you control (more or less).
Along with the past comes the baggage. Another hot topic among my peers. (yeah yeah... getting older I know...)
Another one I can put on a postcard: "If you keep looking into your baggage, over and over again, you are not going to be able to check the bags in, to allow yourself to be on a beautiful journey called life. You will miss every flight, and you will be stuck."
Some people I know talk about ditching bags. Throwing them away. Done with them. Could be an option.
Not sure I do that. The "I travel light" slogan does sound attractive. But no, I don't mind the bags. They contain information you might want to use at some point. I think I just leave some bags home when I go journey.

2011-08-08T19:52:00.003+02:00

No milk today

2011-04-17T15:11:00.004+02:00

... or any other day actually.

I know... I was raised with milk ... lots of it... also in school... and living in cheese country... the milk is still following me!

Oh I can't say I hate it. I love cheese. I must have loved milk too when I was younger. Or at least chocolate milk ;)

I am talking about cow's milk here.

I wonder how we got to taking the milk from a wonderful animal who just gave birth to a beautiful calf - oh no... look... they brutally take away the calf from his mom... eeerrr.... doesn't the calf need the milk??? No no no no....WE DO!!!! go away calf... step aside.. WE are entitled to your mom's milk!... the baby of the dairy cow... he may be turned into a nice slice of veal. A newly born. Never had a chance to live. and yes... he needs to be taken away very quickly from his mom.... because you know what... they might start bonding and imagine what kind of stress that would cause!!

This is happening... every day... with millions of animals in the dairy industry.

Cows are artificially inseminated every year... year after year (otherwise they don't produce milk ... duh! you know how it works with mammals, if not, ask your mom). Oh but not for toooo many years... don't worry... a normal life expectancy of the cow is about 20 years, but after 4 or 5 years of intense breeding (and a miserable life in confinement, suffering from mastitis probably...) they are "removed" from the farm. Chop chop.

There you have it.

Now all of this could somehow make sense IF the human species really needed cow's milk.

And that is not the case. In fact... and given the fact that it kinda seems normal that a mother's milk goes to her offspring... and not some other species' offspring.... a cow's milk is not very good for the humans. But of course we'd like to think so. That is what we learned and that is what the government's campaign is preaching. Of course that is reason enough to keep drinking the cow's milk. Is it? Can we not stop and think for ourselves for a moment? And maybe learn the facts? Allow the light to shine?

If you are brave enough, read "Got Milk? You've got problems" (published in the LA Times in 2005) by Karen Dawn.

further reading about the Dairy Industry and why we could stop and think.

What an affront.

2011-04-12T09:58:00.002+02:00

Shooting in Alphen aan de Rijn
A psychopath decides to shoot over a hundred rounds ... randomly...

in a shopping mall on a Saturday. Around noon.
6 people dead
lots injured
all traumatized.
the whole nation is hurt
I did watch the news this time...

The shooter is a young man, has a licence for 5 guns.
He was incarcerated 5 years ago because of psychological issues.
And he appeared to have a criminal record.

So let me get this straight: in this country we give a licence to kill to criminal psychopaths?
I really hope the media are telling us some kind of story
because really... this all can't be true!

What absolutely ticks me off is that the whole debate seems to focus on whether or not
to store guns at home when you are a "shooting club member".
Oh yes, the shooter was a member.

Am I the only one seeing the bigger picture?
Why do shooting clubs exist? Shooting is NOT a sport!
How fucked up is that? To categorize shooting as a sport? What an affront.
Unless you are military, police or security... what business do you have with guns?????
Is that a weird question maybe? Ostriches???

2011-04-05T19:34:00.002+02:00

Feed the world

2011-02-25T11:07:00.003+01:00

One third of the world's grain production is fed to farmed animals in rich countries. If animal farming were to stop and we were to use the land to grow grain to feed ourselves, we could feed every single person on this planet.

Meat makes the rich ill and the poor hungry
by Jeremy Rifkin

When representatives meet at the World Food Summit they supposedly focus on how to get food into the mouths of nearly one billion people who are currently undernourished. However, at all the dinners they attend you can expect to see the consumption of large quantities of meat. And herein lies the contradiction.

People go hungry because much of arable land is used to grow feed grain for animals rather than people. In the US, 157 million tons of cereals, legumes and vegetable protein – all suitable for human consumption – is fed to livestock to produce just 28 million tons of animal protein in the form of meat.

In developing countries, using land to create an artificial food chain has resulted in misery for hundreds of millions of people. An acre of cereal produces five times more protein than an acre used for meat production; legumes such as beans, peas and lentils can produce 10 times more protein and, in the case of soya, 30 times more.

Global corporations which supply the seeds, chemicals and cattle and which control the slaughterhouses, marketing and distribution of beef, eagerly promote grain-fed livestock. They equate it with a country’s prestige and climbing the “protein ladder” becomes the mark of success.

Enlarging their meat supply is the first step for all developing countries. They start with chicken and egg production and, as their economies grow, climb the protein ladder to pork, milk, and dairy products, then to grass-fed beef and finally to grain-fed beef. Encouraging this process advances the interests of agribusinesses and two-thirds of the grain exported from the USA goes to feed livestock. The process really got underway when “green revolution” technology produced grain surpluses in the 1970s. The UN’s Food and Agricultural Organisation encouraged it and the USA government linked its food aid programme to the producing of feed grain and gave low-interest loans to establish grain-fed poultry operations. Many nations have attempted to remain high on the protein ladder long after the grain surpluses disappeared.

Human consequences of the shift from food to feed were dramatically illustrated during the Ethiopian famine in 1984. While people starved, Ethiopia was growing linseed cake, cottonseed cake and rapeseed meal for European livestock. Millions of acres of land in the developing world are used for this purpose. Tragically, 80 per cent of the world’s hungry children live in countries with food surpluses which are fed to animals for consumption by the affluent.

The irony is that millions of consumers in the first world are dying from diseases of affluence such as heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and cancer, brought on by eating animal products, while the world’s poor are dying from diseases of poverty. We are long overdue for a global discussion on how to promote a diversified, high-protein, vegetarian diet for the human race.

Jeremy Rifkin is the author of Beyond Beef: The Rise and Fall of the Cattle Culture (Plume, 1992), and The Biotech Century (Victor Gollancz,1998). He is also the president of the Foundation on Economic Trends in Washington DC, USA.

Source: http://www.viva.org.uk/guides/feedtheworld.htm

2011-02-09T19:32:00.003+01:00

Though nothing is simple, it really is...
but then why isn't it?

I need a vacation.
Sigh.

So, South Africa looked good. Very green. Lots of rain and mist. The climate in the southern hemisphere was kinda weird in January. Maybe we are preparing ourselves for Dec 2012? I was watching that movie the other day... very spectacular effects but the story about the Maya... hm... accurate?
Gosh, the Maya... incredible people... very much in awe of that culture. Loved being there ... Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, Honduras...
Snap!
Thinking of next vacation. So much to see. So little time.
So many travels for work coming up also.
and so much to do.

I don't like the way the circus is run.
Hope you're not angry... if I disagree.
Society.

Happy Mid Winter!

2010-12-21T17:48:00.002+01:00

Today is the real Xmas. The feast of Light. Because today we will have experienced the longest day of the year and therefore it's time to celebrate the return of longer days. Rejoice!
Light and enlightenment are a good thing. Light brings warmth and clarity, and insight and makes things happen.
So... for all those religious and not religious people... the celebration of Light is a celebration we can all share.
Happy twinklings!

When you come to think of it

2010-12-04T10:37:00.007+01:00

Snowy landscapes. What is it about them that make them so romantic? The "pure" white? The "peaceful white"? or just the thought that you are safe and warm inside, with a cup of hot choc milk or glühwein?
I love watching the flakes. Going for a snow walk later today.

2010-11-19T19:37:00.003+01:00

Let me share with you the joy of studying piano. Has nothing to do with the pic I uploaded. Although I did take the scooter to my piano lesson the other night. And the scooter is replacing the car I sold. Much more sustainable, much less expensive, much less comfort too ;) But a LOT more fun!
We still have a car. One is enough. I use it to run errands and go to work one day a week. The bus is good too. No traffic jams (special bus lane), warm, perfect for listening to music or reading a book. And we bike (i.e. bicycle) in Holland. We do. It's a way of life.
Back to piano: I have my certificate for completing my first course. I took me one year. 30 min of lessons every two weeks. I was told that this is a pretty good tempo. So now I am doing the second course. I think in 3 years... I might be somewhat of an advanced piano player. If I keep it up. I intend to. Sometimes I am very disciplined. When I want something.

When I get to the piano class (it's just the teacher and me btw), I start with "showing" what I learned. Then I hear how well I played and what I didn't do too well. And then I pay attention to new things. Then I go home very inspired and I usually have two weeks to study and do my homework. At first... the whole piece seems impossible to do. The notes, the rhythm, the measures... pfff... and then... little by little ... day by day..... I play and play and find out ... and then: I get it!
That is what I wanted to share actually... how wonderful the process is... ;)

Pride performs Refugee

2010-11-12T22:25:00.001+01:00

Pride performs Selling the drama

2010-11-12T22:18:00.001+01:00

2010-11-07T18:56:00.004+01:00

Check out new pics from Rockband Pride!

2010-10-15T15:32:00.005+02:00

J. Rifkin

2010-09-17T10:20:00.002+02:00

Four seasons in one month

2010-09-08T16:44:00.002+02:00

How to measure happiness? I'd like to think it has to do with the degree of peace of mind. So what are the things to worry about in my life? Not the weather. It is not in my hands. Not the fact I am putting my house on the market... because it will lead to starting the rest of my life with the one I dearly love. And I am btw very excited about this! Maybe the job and the exciting developments... maybe all the world's problems (gosh there's a lot of bad and evil in the world). Maybe human nature... weird species we are... and how difficult is it to maintain relationships. Judgmental behavior... definitely something to worry about. Maybe my new addiction: I watched 4 seasons of Dexter in one month. Hm. Really good series but I do worry about the morals emerging in this show. It's so bad to smoke and prostitution is a sin. But it's ok to kill "bad" people and obstruct police work. Should I worry also about losing my nationality? Belgium... what does it mean for me? What has it ever meant to me? I don't think I worry about becoming a Flemish citizen in stead of a Belgian one. No. When I think of my country (which is not the country I live in, but hey) I don't feel that much... I am not a patriot. Is that worrisome? I don't know. I don't think it contributes to my happiness.
In fact, I'd like to approach my happiness from the other side: all the wonderful beauty in my life. And there's a lot of that. And I am thankful for it. Yeah, there are things to worry about... but let them be just that... and focus on love... because those nasty worry things... they bound to have a portion of fear in them. Not a good choice.

2010-07-02T18:14:00.004+02:00

Bongiorno! I think I am going to take a break from blogging... hm... let's see... I was raised with the slogan "if you do something... do it well or just don't do it" ... something like that. I guess that is how I feel it too. If I feel I am not fully committed to something... I have to stop doing it. The ROI (return on investment) becomes too low. Exactly like a job. Or a hobby. Or a relationship for that matter. Any kind.
It's ok to stop doing things like you've always done them. Well... always... haha... I started blogging in 2006 when I went to SF. Almost 4 years later...I am taking a time out. Or maybe I will pick up on it again. Who knows? I still contemplate. I do. And I will keep writing my books. But, next to my super duper friends, I also have a wonderful soulmate in my life with whom I want to share a lot. What I do want to share on this blog is the JOY of having Mr. B and Dolls in the house. They are lovely creatures. Other than that: working hard on the piano. Going great. Booked a vacation to South Africa in Dec/ Jan. Had a wasp nest removed from my balcony. Starting to feel part of the World Cup soccer (I know!!! me???!!!). And last but not least... I am so incredibly happy with my love. For those of you interested in daily status updates (that IS what they are called after all...) follow me on Facebook (also lots of pics and video) or picasa or YouTube or Twitter. Stay cool in this wonderful Summer weather and let me finish with one of my favorite quotes: before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ;) Vaya con dios amigos.

2010-06-19T21:27:00.002+02:00

Where to start? First of all... the stairs = finished! woohoo and it looks great. So happy this project came to an end. Realized there is lots of other things to do as well... got into another round of home improvement. Oh, and I turned 37. Which I think is a strange age. Hm. Got a wonderful b-day gift. Wellness center. Spa. Chill. Sunbathe. Perfect.
This blogging exercise becomes more difficult. I don't think it should be summing up what I did. I used to write more interesting stuff. At least, I think. About life, love. Does the philosopher fade out when she is in a commitment? I don't know. Does she lack time to write down the contemplations? Could be. Does she stop wondering? Oh no. Impossible. Maybe she feels compromised? Na... Maybe the other channels are taking over. Twitter, Facebook... Staccato status updates. With pics or not. Nothing deep. Very superficial. I guess I like and don't like that type of communicating. What else? Elections in Belgium and Holland. Results do raise my eyebrows. But politics... I don't let it get to me that much anymore. Agendas. I don't like that. And I still feel the same about the circus. And the oil disaster in the Gulf. That saddens me so much. Makes me want to leave the car behind. But the circus... I don't know... it can be so compelling. Or do I let it?
A couple of more necessary things to do before Mr. B will come and live here. Can't wait to have a beautiful feline soul in the house again. I am still processing the loss of Stakke. And I was painfully reminded of it last week. It's ok. To let pain in. One of the things I have to learn. And there are so many more... and that actually makes me smile. The relationship thing... is not easy after 4 years of being single. It's an interesting path I am on and walking on it with Taroena makes the flowers bloom along the way...

2010-06-08T19:30:00.003+02:00

Here I am sitting on a borrowed Swissball. Back is injured again. I think driving 7 hours in traffic is just not good. That is what I did last Thursday. And of course I learned my lesson. But the evening was wonderful. Pride was performing for the first time at a wedding. It was great. Check out their website. I love the marketing ;) Website, Facebook page, Albums, YouTube Channel...

The weekend was sunny, warm, cozy. Was great to catch up with Mr. P. Been a while. Cherish this friendship.
I also managed to go to the hairdresser's and wow... I enjoyed the shampooing massage... and the new hairstyle is exactly what I wanted.

I really detest the fact I can't go running. But I need to be patient. Taroena is taking good care of me. Been planning some things in the calendar... sauna, weekend away... things to look forward to in this hard work life ;) Most of all... I look forward to 3 weeks in South Africa in December. But there is a long hot Summer ahead of us first. Yes!
Gotta go. Called the plumber. Rain coming through the little roof. Hm.

2010-06-02T17:22:00.001+02:00

Hello blogees. I wanted to start by apologizing for not writing...
But I won't.
It is what it is. And it just so happens I don't spend that much time alone with my Mac anymore.
Do I miss it? Hm. Sometimes I do. Longing for the way things were. That is in my nature. Melancholy.
But there is not a single doubt ... I love my life and my new routines!
It's got everything to do with my love life. I admit.
I am just so happy. A whole new world.
Lots of exploring to do... ;)
and lots of getting used to.
But that is good... it would get too boring otherwise.
What still isn't boring, is working in the house... little by little... home improvement is a wonderful hobby.
But the biggest passion is the piano... and how I slowly become a player. I get it...
and that is soooo inspiring. The music... non mi ricordo come mai
mi è entrata dentro e c'è restata...
Vivo per lei perché mi fa vibrare forte l'anima

Last Wednesday, I had one of those "for old time's sake" night with N. Oh it was lovely!
It has been too long... we should do it more often!
We talked about life and love and the glue called friendship.

In the weekend, we went to the farm with T's nephew and mom and Dolly was there too!
And later on I suggested I would take care of Dolls while T's mom was on vacation.
So Dolls and Mr.B are gonna stay in my house for three weeks soon!
I guess I sound like a kid with candy, but I don't care! I am thrilled about having 2 lovely pets in the house.

Last night, I was at a Softball game. Nothing has changed. Right?

2010-05-25T19:36:00.003+02:00

What a nice start of the Summer! woohoo! The weather was perfect the whole weekend. And so was our weekend... Taroena and I spent the three days together. Housewarming Friday evening... one of T's best friends. Seeing the apt and all the work it needed made me long for some hard work ;) Still enough to do in my place... haha...
Saturday we shopped for shoes, walked, had some wine at the market. Sunday we had breakfast in the sun in my roof. Nice. Went mountain biking again. Then T's sister with husband and child... and T's mom's dog came by. We babysat Dolly the dog until Monday evening. And she is a sweeeetheart! We took her for a walk at Spaarnwoude (3 min walk from my house). Then again on Monday morning. Ended up at the fort, where you can chill, drink, eat... perfect... Monday afternoon we had a baby shower. Cute and lovely parents! Tonight I did some workout on the Wii. Been forever... but then again... I moved in a little over two months ago... and I was away for 3 weeks... so all and all... I don't live here that long yet! Having Dolly over was fun. I miss her... I get too attached to animals. They are such a joy in life. Beautiful innocent creatures ;) I miss Stakke.

2010-05-17T20:37:00.002+02:00

Monday Monday and survived it! after a 4 day weekend... it's hard ;)
the week was ok, felt a bit off though... bug... but gone in a couple of days. Thursday - Ascension day - I bought more plants for around the house, and we did some more work in the house. Gourmet for dinner... Fun and yummie! Friday, the sun was out, so the dunes were calling... hopped on the mountainbike... lovely... and then more gourmet... Saturday....visit from Ann and some shopping and more work in the house. Sunday my cousin and his wife and grandma came to visit. Was great to see them again... we went to the beach... Shara loved it! Ate a pancake on the beach. Life is good.
Temps are climbing again... about time!
The ash cloud from Iceland... is disturbing travel again. I guess we were lucky... and hope we stay lucky... because they say this volcano will stay angry for a few more decennia... hm...
Another long weekend coming up and after that ... no more public holidays for the rest of the year! aaaargh...!

2010-05-11T17:25:00.002+02:00

It's May. We are supposed to have nice Spring days! Hm.
I realized I am complaining too much. I really shouldn't. I blame society for stress, being dissatisfied, restlessness, being performance driven, failures and the heat you take for it, decrease in self esteem. Ha! That also... of course... is not helping. No one or nothing is to blame, b/c we have a lot in our own hands. We do. I do. And I am happy and thankful and blessed and it is after all still my choice to stay in the circus called western way of life. It allows me to thrive in luxury. And I will never deny the fact I like it. But I must say lately - the trip to the desert surely has something to do with it - I am again balancing on the thought curve... is this really what life is about?
I guess the uppermost luxury we have is the choices. I have sooo many choices. That I consider the most luxurious thing in life.
Last weekend was busy. Friday night Taroena and I were at her sister's... dinner... with T's mom also. Lovely people. I count my blessings when I see them. Saturday I dragged Taroena down to the local shopping street... and had a delicious lunch. Then we drove to Antwerp, checked out Tam's new place. Lovely! and I showed Taroena my old hood (Deurne Zuid). She loved it. Nice. Then dinner with Peggy, Tim and Tam and it was great. Great convo, great food. Spent the night in Tim's place... then up early, picked up gran... drove to Limburg where my supa dupa nephew was doing his first communion. Quite an experience to be there in the mass. Then lunch buffet... lots of kids and family. The trip back was quite long though.
So now... looking forward to the very long weekend YAHOO. Time for me and Taroena, work some more in the house... biking in the dunes...and a visit from my cousin, his wife and grandma on Sunday.
Last night, Kay was here. Been forever since we saw each other. I cherish my friends. The close ones. And I lost a couple of them... that is hard for me... but I am starting to understand why people make that choice. To cut off all ties. Forever or for a while. I did it. Keep learning, keep wondering... and keep traveling. Broaden the horizon. Even if it is virtual. And that is why I ordered the Nexus One. I can't help it... it's an early b-day gift to me!

2010-05-04T21:13:00.003+02:00

Though I really stayed awake the whole Sunday... I might have a bit of a lag. But it will pass... Monday was the coldest 3rd of May ever. Did it have to be the Monday after we came back from the desert? ;)
Tomorrow day off: Liberation day. Festival. Gonna be a nice relaxing day for us.
Travel report? Follow this link.

2010-05-02T16:37:00.001+02:00

2010-04-22T19:57:00.002+02:00

What a week. pfff. Stressed out. Work. and stupid volcano. But it looks like we are gonna be able to leave. I am sooooo excited!
Gonna be a very special journey, this one. Death Valley and Joshua Tree Park and a bit of Las Vegas.
I found myself complaining a lot this week. Not my style. There are so many things in my hands. Maybe a lot more than I seem to think.
Piano lesson was great. Got compliments from my teacher. ;)
Finally caught up with N too this week. It's good to hear stories. And I admire the eloquence some people seem to have naturally.
I am gonna start packing. This vacation is very welcome! Hasta la vista!

2010-04-18T18:41:00.002+02:00

Today was beautiful and sunny and warm and wow! Have a nice tan! Ann was visiting... was good to catch up. Yesterday we had my fam visiting. Great fun... I wish they could've stayed longer though...
In the morning we went shopping for plants and flowers (yeah they all did that this weekend, but hey... it's fun!). Hydrangea... and some more little ones... so beautiful, and then the sun... love it.
The week was hectic... lots of travel and hard work. A little frustration too... and it affects my vision of things... it does...
Tue evening, I made some Margarita's and we started dancing ... it was amazing... the whole night... this place is really great... and I tell you... even more so with great people in it ;)

I've seen the beauty of the universe so peaceful and serene in seconds turn to violence and screams

2010-04-11T20:59:00.003+02:00

Another fab weekend... did some shopping for the house... put up a canvas, poster of the world... made frames for both of them... love the jobs like that. Electricity problem is fixed and the stairs... well... they are the hardest job but so worth it...
Friday we were babysitting T's nephew... was a lot of fun...
Last night T and I were out downtown... had a blast... even when someone spilled a glass of red wine over me... I kindly asked: is it red? hm... can I then please have that glass of white? and some salt? lol
Thu and Fri it was Summer! wow... steel blue skies... what a difference... lovely...
Work was busy busy...
Monday we took a stroll down the beach... and plan to do many more!
and my staccato writing implies that I... find it hard to free up time to be online. I guess that is the way it goes.
Piano lesson was great... I am advancing ... I do need to study more... I want to ... going to!

When she comes to greet me she is mercy at my feet I see her inner charm she just throws it back at me

2010-04-04T13:33:00.002+02:00

Buona Pasqua. I am happy with going towards some sort of routine in my life. Been a bit hectic and intense these last months.
Team meeting was good. Workshop about cultural differences was interesting. Managed to make the start for a comms plan, which is good. I just wonder what will happen to my job... I mean the projects I am doing now... it's so flexible. I don't mind. Just want to be appraised correctly.
Yesterday was a wonderful Saturday. Started with some shopping (always good for the mood, spending money... ) and then a b-day party downtown. Met lovely people. Kids. Family and friends of T's. Thankful.
Today is relaxing day... for the first time since forever it seems! I went running again... I feel it... I am heading for some healing...
Not that I am sick, I am just walking on an edge... pericoloso...
I fell asleep on the couch two times in a row... I can't ... fight the sleep! I shouldn't have to of course.

The house is getting in shape... slowly but surely... I love it. And Taroena is the best... I am so lucky... we are so lucky. and happy... shining... smiling... in love...

Ok, counting down to the next trip... the desert... yes... indulge me with your heat and sun...

she leans back against the wall and she watches, tugging her collar, like it might be a noose

2010-03-26T20:05:00.003+01:00

The weekend couldn't have started any better. So happy with my baby by my side. Wow. The first "normal" weekend since we met almost! The house is still under construction but wow... the floor in bedroom number three is done! Looks great. And this evening, I decided to clean my front door, after all, it is a door with warranty!
Training course in the UK was fun. Great group dynamics. Lots of discussion. Good teacher. I just don't like England... not the parts I have seen anyway. I don't like the vibe, the food (ugh), tho the people are very nice. It's not my environment. And I am going back there Mon to Thu. Team meeting this time. Why can't we meet in Italy? lol

Last weekend, the homies were here and that was great fun. Hope to see them back soon. Love them. On Sunday, the sun was out. I swear... it was a Summer day! Taroena and I did some tanning in the sunny room (it's perfect, window wide open, no one can see you...). Later on, we biked to her sister and her fam to catch up... was great fun too. But at the end of that day, I felt close to some kind of nervous breakdown. It's too much. The physical, the mental, everything. I always push myself too hard... only to find out there comes a point where I just can't hack it. But hey, that is the result of trying to make the MOST of every day! The last couple of days were intense too, but at least I managed to get enough sleep.

I love the house. It's a great place for me and the love of my life ;)

Only going forward ' cause we can't find reverse!

2010-03-17T21:05:00.002+01:00

It was such a relief last Sunday... to have moved all the stuff... 2 cars... 2 drives and it was done. Saturday night I packed my things like a mad woman... in 2 hours. Thank God the move was in the neighborhood. Imagine... no... I think I am done moving now for a while... it used to be a hobby;) The house is starting to look great and there is still some work to do (stairs, doors, bedroom number 3...etc...) but I called it quits for now. Taroena and I are exhausted... we need to take it slow now... we both work full time on the side too ;)
Putting the bed together was hell... everything from scratch... what a nice Ikea surprise... but I tell you... it was worth it... the bed is heaven!
Monday night I decided to repaint one wall... gosh...
All and all... I did a lot these two weeks... more than is good for me...
I hope I am ok on Friday to start running again... my body is still aching, but I need it... I need that salvation...
Sunday, when T and I were going back to my old place to get the bikes, Chacmool was there. He truly is amazing. He ALWAYS knew when to show up. Just like he did the first time, when I came back from Mexico. Chac ... I miss you...

This weekend, the homies are visiting... gonna be FUN!!!

I am uploading pics from the house here... more to come...

I am happy... truly very happy... tired... but sooooo freaking happy!
Ok Spring... make it perfect... gimme your warm sun rays!

intimiteit, intimidatie, intimi tutti frutti

2010-03-11T17:42:00.002+01:00

okay, I overdid it maybe JUST a little bit... my body is complaining. But I am still standing. Three more days of hard work and on Sunday I am moving!
I have a new roof. And that is quite something. Painting is done for now. Some floors to do. Stairs.
I met T's mom the other day, wonderful woman. And last night I met Mr. B... the cutest! He reminds me of Stakke... so much... cats are so great...

Raymond Van Het Groenewoud. I bought his 40 best songs. He is awesome. I think I am proud of this Flemish talent. Seriously.

These weeks have been amazing... and they will keep being amazing... she amazes me more every day... she does... I smile...she touches my inner smile.

Sing with me just for today....

2010-03-06T20:56:00.002+01:00

Beat. I am. Been working HARD this week. Pushing myself... and I am soooo done with ripping off wallpaper... grrrr.... but we are in the painting phase already and it's gonna look GOOD. Most of the furniture is in too, but we still need to put it together... which will be fun ;)
Glad I have some help and VERY thankful Taroena is taking such good care of me. So sweet. She is the best ...

I am actually too tired to type. Sorry. My hands hurt... and so does the rest of my body... no pain, no gain... I have been there many times... lol...
And....!!! I am sooo happy with the car! wow... what a nice one... thrilled!
I guess it's all a bit overwhelming... so I need a vacation... soon... !

I am gonna try to hang in there and not get worked up about the paperwork... including the Tax dpt from Belgium... gosh... it's the neverending story it seems... man...

A la prossima. Sono stanca.

There's nothing you can't do, the lights will inspire you

2010-02-28T21:54:00.002+01:00

My life is a whirl. It's a lot to handle. But I am not complaining. I love it when it all falls into place ;)
The time I am spending with Taroena is the most amazing... and yesterday was another fantastic day... bought furniture and made a great deal on chairs... went downtown to meet T's sister, friends and family... all wonderful people with free spirits and yes... my crowd and felt like home. I sometimes can't handle the happiness these days and I can't begin to explain what Taroena means to me.
Thursday night was a spontaneous dance night at my place... Live for the moment. I think I found my match. No, I am sure.

Tomorrow I will get the key to my house... finally... it's gonna be great to do some manual labor and work hard. I will move in two weeks!
And I am also picking up the new car tomorrow afternoon.

I am blessed. And thankful.

most of all it's built to last

2010-02-22T20:22:00.004+01:00

The weekend was awesome. Saturday, I had to pick up my car at the garage, had a chat with the owner and decided to buy another car. Yes, it's a wise investment. Gonna trade my Ibiza for a Crossroad. On the same day I am signing the papers for the house. Exciting day... March 1!
I stopped by my cousin and his wife on Saturday, and then had lunch downtown Antwerp in my fave lunch place. Walked around, met up with Tam and life was sweet. Later on, Taroena and I went to my cousin's place and he and his wife are such nice and warm people and we felt very welcome... heartwarming... and body warming was the bath I took!!! Been ages since I had done that!
My car was acting funny and thank God my cousin is a smart man, he fixed it and then we had lunch with the family. Great to see everyone and it was fun to be together.
I am very happy ... inside and outside... and thankful and sooo in love... I have never known this kind of connection. And I don't mind having to have traveled the world to find her... back home;)
I told you before... The Alchemist...
This week is counting down week... I need to keep my head cool... and then trust that it will all work out.

and I don't care since you stole my world, and put your footprints on my pearls

2010-02-19T18:12:00.003+01:00

It's Friday I'm in love. lol
Listening to the music from "One" ... beautiful. Thank God for all the beauty in my life. It's everywhere... in every living and seemingly not living thing.
The cheesecake didn't last very long, but at least someone else has tasted it... And now I baked pecan cookies... a therapy... because I am really freaking out. Stress from work, house, taxes, and now... looking at a new car also. I mean, I love new cars but damn... it is Euro, not $. It will work out somehow. It always does.
I bought the paint, looked at the bedroom furniture... signed a contract for the roof. Working on my to do lists... I had to get in touch with the tax dpt in Belgium AGAIN... for my file... oh, never mind... I am just not cut out for all this red tape! Am I too spoiled for wishing everything would go smoothly? Your blog title Che... remember? Running helps. Piano too.
This weekend will be great... taking Taroena to Antwerp, meeting up with Tam later on... and lunch with the family on Sunday. Excited to see them.
I should exhale and just say thanks... and smile... not frown... let the love of so many wonderful people in my life in... thank you ... you... and you... and you... etc... and what about you?

there's more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line

2010-02-15T22:22:00.003+01:00

I believe it's Mardi Gras tomorrow, so that is why I made an Oreo cheesecake tonight... Carne Vale! after Mardi Gras... ciao meat!
Not for me, no. But I like the idea of a fat Tuesday ... lol

I am very very very excited about the trip I booked with my sweetheart... to Death Valley and Joshua Tree Park.... YEAH... back to the desert... my feel good scene! woooohoooo! and we found some GREAT deals for stay.. I mean really.. 50 bucks for a room in the Sahara hotel... on the strip in LV???
Life is sweet and to be able to share everything with someone you love... wow..."happiness only real when shared"... yes. Chris or Alexander Supertramp.

Another thing that really made my day is the Continental Airlines help desk. First of all, because they have voice recognition (and I know how that works... from my previous job) and it REALLY works! so cool! and the person helping me reschedule... was kind enough to not charge me a change fee. Sweet. Heart warming this kind of service. thanks.

You touch my inner smile. You got me in the mood. So come on make your move and free me

2010-02-13T14:24:00.002+01:00

I love this kinda of Saturday... spending money... shopping... buying tapas... baking a low carb cake (!)... running (even tho it is freezing)... thinking about how lucky I am...
I had a good talk with my manager at work. Oh well... I guess we all have to learn. One thing that I learned is that besides love and chocolate I absolutely need humor in my life. I cannot be around people that don't have a good sense of humor for too long. And the other thing I am more and more convinced of is that email sucks. It does. Both in my professional life and private life, it hasn't really served me well as a tool to channel effective communication. There must be someone graduating on this subject right?
I think we should either go back to the ole telephone call OR maybe chatting isn't too bad, b/c it is interactive. As I was explaining to our new employees... there is a lot more that can go wrong than go right in communications. Maybe email is the shining example here. Unfortunately, it has grown on us, and it has taken over our communication styles. Now what? Minimalize email traffic? As if that is a real option? hmmm

I had a great week... spent some time with my love... and it stills feels amazingly well... I am surprised (in a pleasant way) that I don't back off... needing time for me... on the contrary... I can't wait to see her again... we have become very close in a very short time and it doesn't even freak me out. I am so thankful and feel so lucky... and so happy.

Two more weeks and I get the key to the house... still lots to buy... and then the real work begins. Yeah!
p.s.
More pics from the Road trip USA

I've had a hole in my heart for so long....... I've learned to fake it and just smile along

2010-02-08T19:04:00.002+01:00

What an amazing weekend and what a LOUSY excuse for a Monday.
Hmm... Mondays for some reason just never seem to rise to the occasion, do they? Besides the fact the alarm went off way too early, the ice on my windshield, the CD player .. playing up... we had a power failure in the office 30 min after I logged on. Though I really like socializing with the folks in the office, I decided to head home - thinking of ALL the work that was waiting for me. Batteries of both my laptop and cell phone were dying anyway. I needed power! Of course there was another incident with the person that seems to want to have incidents and this ... well... I will try to be zen... right?

Saturday was all men's day; I had lunch with my travel buddy and it was nice to catch up and remember the wonderful trip in the South/ South West... Afterwards I met up with W - been toooo long... and it was great to talk about life and love and enlightenment.
Sunday was the perfect day... went running... met up with my love, went shopping for a washing machine, dryer, fridge, TV and I got the micro wave/ oven for free! Good deal. Then coffee downtown... drinks ... shop for dinner....and I have never been this happy... I feel my heart sing ... singing out loud. And so did she, while accompanying herself on the guitar... and God, she is ... she and I... yes...

you put the boom boom into my heart...

2010-02-05T17:41:00.002+01:00

yesss... I made it...
my life is extreme. extremely busy with work (I was asked if I had a stressy job... uh... I am beginning to think I have)... and extremely happy in my heart and in life. Oh well... I am not the mainstream kinda girl ;) and I wasn't back then when Lost was aired... but then... afterwards... I got hooked and NOW I wanna watch the final season on TV. Yippie. T is coming over, we'll go for dinner first. I feel like partying!

I am sure I have a lot more to tell, but I guess I have someone else to talk to now... just kidding.. I will keep blogging ...

It's not a rose garden - life. My outburst of anger last year... I am starting to get it... but now it is fading. Going from hurt to bitterness and anger... it's not a road you wanna stay on too long. No.
I don't get why people choose to stay on that road. They make turns, but only U-turns. Shame.

and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong...

2010-02-01T17:49:00.002+01:00

The cutie in the pic is Mr Tom. I don't know his name... he was there in the coffee place on Sunday where I had lunch. Was nice to be there on a cold Sunday, catching up with N.

Saturday... was a fantastic day... again... timeless moments... and no, you can't capture them... they are not meant to be captured. Only happen and used for cherishing.
T and me walked in the snow... hung out downtown... love stoned... yes... good word...
I've been around... at least that is what I think... I have never been the type to sit in the corner... well not for long... but this time... this time I want it all... and no... no compromising... it all adds up. It's that simple but it's a stunning beautiful simple. I guess I must've done something really well in my life to deserve this. I owe you, Universe... or was it that you owed me? lol

Now... did you know D. Chopra wrote a book on Jesus? He is a wise man. And this is a little excerpt from an article in Time magazine:

Do you have any advice for Americans in the face of recession? What would Jesus say?

Jesus would say, Recognize the difference between wealth and money. Wealth is the progressive realization of worthy goals, the ability to love and have compassion, meaningful and caring relationships. There's $2.9 trillion circulating in the world's markets every day, less than 2% of which goes to provide goods and services to humanity. The rest is one big casino, making money off money or losing money off money. We have a culture where we spend what we haven't earned to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't like, and now the situation is such that we are being drawn to find the real meaning in our lives. When we shift from consumption to relationship, then we will be doing what Jesus would do.

with a girl like you... and a boy like me... we can sing hallelujah

2010-01-29T20:07:00.003+01:00

Zombie. That is me. Awfully busy workweek... again... not fun anymore. Stress doesn't do me good. I tell ya.
Picking up on piano lessons again. And practicing.
Weather is not good enough for running... so I will need to work out with the Wii again. Soon. Not now. I am exhausted.
Last night was one of them nights that you want to hold on to... forever... I still can't believe this feeling... this overwhelmingly great feeling... it's not a dream... but it could be...
I had to think of the Alchemist.

I'm an angel, not a saint

2010-01-25T19:14:00.003+01:00

What a supa dupa weekend this was... I feel blessed... and happy and thankful. I visited a friend in Vilvoorde on Saturday. Took a nice walk in the woods... catching up... and also did an NLP session. Pretty intense and very helpful. Great coach.
I realized once again why I am not living in Belgium anymore... seriously...
the vibe... not for me...no more... you know what I am talking about...
the good thing however is: Cote d'Or has put choc and speculaas (ginger biscuit) on the market! Vive la Belgique. What would we do without your choc?
Sunday I had lunch/ brunch with the girls in Antwerp, our favorite place to be I guess by now... This time there were four of us... and I had this visual of Sex and the City episodes.... lol... It was sooooo much fun... and we exchanged gifts... just like that... so nice and warm and beautiful.
Afterwards I went to grandma, and the kids... so cute... were reading their handwritten New Year's letter to me... sweet..!
So it was hard to say goodbye to this weekend... and even harder to come back to snow! Again! grrrr
I survived Monday and bought Sananda Maitreya's music online. Great stuff... especially with the new Sennheiser earplugs... a whole new world!
And then there is this feeling... capturing me... could it be?

when are we gonna realize, that it was just that the time was wrong

2010-01-22T20:57:00.003+01:00

So happy! It's Friday and I had an intense week!
1) work... meetings and dinner and drinks and it was all good, and I found out I got a reward. So that is two... and counting... lol ... oh well... it is always nice to be appreciated right? confirmation...
2) Atkins. It was going like a roller coaster, lost 1kg in one week, and 1cm. But... I quit last night. Low carb is ok for me, but Atkins is not for me... and that is what I thought 1.5 years ago when I did the first experiment. I was right. Too few carbs (less than 50g) for me makes me sick. The nausea was too much... didn't like the weird dizzy headache either ... and I have to admit, I am a little worried about too many ketones. So ketosis is ok... but I get into ketosis with 50g also... I will find my balance and lose weight. I do have to thank mister Atkins (rest his soul) because of his insights in the whole glycaemic index story and I am a fan of his recipes and products (e.g. the knackebrot and granola bars).
3) Suddenly...

Going to meet V tomorrow, catch up, been a long time, looking forward to it! And meeting my dear friends and fam on Sunday... woooooohoooo.... I am in for a wonderful weekend!
and... it couldn't have started in a better way ;)

Will all my destinations accept the one that's me, so I can breathe...

2010-01-17T14:31:00.003+01:00

It started raining yesterday! so most of the icy snow is gone... and I could go running. Yeah. Feels good.
Did some packing already yesterday, because you know what... February is gonna be a short month... really...
It all feels way too familiar... packing, making lists, stressing... it's my life... isn't it... maybe, just maybe this time I am in this for a longer run.
I have gotten used to the European rhythm already. I feel weird... I feel like I am in a temporary world. No, I am not eating mushrooms.
Yesterday I had this spur of the moment impulsive buying moment - which happens to me all the time actually - and then I usually go shop online, but I was thinking about new hiking shoes, and that requires fitting. So I jumped on my bike and went to this store downtown. I was aiming for 60 Euro, but I left the store spending 179 Euro. The shoes are REALLY nice (and the socks too;)) lol
I am sleeping well... it's part of the Atkins deal... going great...
I still think of SA and the nice time... and the cheetahs... I can relate to them...
Yes, I am sweet and soft and you can pet me... but don't stand in my way, because I need that escape clause... and if I feel cornered... I WILL walk all over you... grrrr...

Gonna be an intense week, the coming week.

I miss Stakke.
and I miss my loved one(s).
I'd better go and do something fun now before I start singing Julio and Willie's song... ;)

2010-01-16T10:13:00.001+01:00

2010-01-13T18:20:00.000+01:00

South Africa 09/10

Don't come closer or I'll have to go

2010-01-12T11:09:00.002+01:00

This is it. Leaving tonight. Want to and not. Already have work on my mind. Freaking me out. Makes me nauseous.
I miss Wilderness.

I read the Atkins book. I started low carb in August 2008. Amazing results. After a couple of months I switched to lower carb - which probably meant finding the right amount of daily carbs for me. This year however, I have binged a bit during my holidays in the US and now here (nothing extraordinary, just crazy compared to what I gotten used to). I decided to read the approach of the father of low carb: Robert Atkins.
I finished the book quickly, and not many surprises in there, since I agree low carb is a philosophy and not a diet.
Anyways, I decided to do real Atkins for a couple of months. Challenging. I start tomorrow. Better have another bagel at the airport then!

You know I find it striking how people always judge on smokers and drinkers... while almost everyone is cheerfully eating way too many carbs, resulting in obesity, adipose bodies, Diabetes Type II, heart and coronary diseases, mood swings (don't underestimate the impact of moodiness!)... etc... and THAT is weighing much more on the health system.
Maybe we will wake up one day... and realize we were wrong... promoting carbs like we do.

If you want to know more on nutrition, you can always book me for a presentation. For people outside of The Netherlands or Belgium... I guess a webinar could work!

society, have mercy on me, I hope you're not angry if I disagree

2010-01-09T19:19:00.006+01:00

Yesterday I was still a bit babelas ;)
Did go out to the market in the evening... but I wasn't up for going out. This morning, went running, felt good, did a bit of swimming and then I had to leave Wilderness to drive back to Capetown. Damn. I really wanted to stay longer... I had a fab time and met lovely folks and I miss my aunt and uncle already.
I think for the first time since I left for this vacation, I am thinking about the life I lead over there.. home... which is a good life... and I have a great project to look forward to. The move. There is a part of me that longs for the other world and other levels of conversation. I guess I am lucky... and blessed to have both. And I am able to make a lot of choices every day of my life.
One of those choices will be: lose weight! ha! I gained six pounds here. Oh la la.

Today we had a braai of course. mmmm.... and the next couple of days will be relaxed... chilling... reading... tanning... swimming...
Can't believe I am flying home Tuesday (hope the snow and ice will be gone in A'dam!!!).... and from Wednesday on... it will be back to the Western European rhythm... and yes... I am a slave to it... by choice! ;) As long as I can escape it often enough and be aware of other options.

Oh it's a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed...
and you think you have to want more than you need...
until you have it all, you won't be free.

Society, you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
(Eddie Vedder - Soundtrack Into the Wild)

got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts I'm alive...

2010-01-07T23:27:00.002+01:00

Amazing experience at Tenikwa yesterday. The cheetahs are the most wonderful big cats. We walked with them. sooooo cute. I held them, walked with them, let them drink out of my hand, petted them.... beautiful creatures!
The sun was bursting right out of the sky. I love it.
Later on, we sat at Zucchini's at Timberlake. Great food. A and P joined us... lovely. I really really like these locals.
Today was cloudy so we went shopping, bought stuff for my new house. Ran into some people at the mall. Heard the great news on Skype about my cousin.. ;)
Had sushi at Far Hills... deeeeeeeelicious.
Angie and I went to Bongo's later on... met some people....
I heard and read it's really cold back home.... and lots of snow...
Hmmm... another world... lol

I'd rather live in his world, than without him in mine

2010-01-05T12:31:00.004+01:00

I realized I forgot to tell you we went to Kirstenbosch on New Year's day! It must be the Facebook intervention... or maybe the sun. Let's blame amnesia on the sun and the hot temps. Yeah. In fact, let's blame it all on the climate. It is soooo easy to go with the flow here ;) and indulge...
oh oh oh... imagine I am over-enjoying my vacation!

Today it is a HOT day. I went to the hairdresser's this morning... the works... lovely... I have a coupe Wilderness now...

Yesterday, we did a quad bike safari. Amazing to see this animals running in the wild! The most beautiful part was when the giraffe was there... and of course the cute cheetah, 3 meters in front of me. I love cats. Gonna walk with the cheetahs tomorrow. Exciting.

Yesterday was a remarkable day. Hung out with some locals... and that was a wonderful feeling. Great people. Free spirits... My kind.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

2010-01-03T17:49:00.004+01:00

So here I am in Wilderness... so happy to be here again... great seeing my family and the furry ones, Clarence and Coconut... sweet...
The drive from Capetown was smooth.
Today was a bit of a cloudy day, but the 3 sunrays this morning struck hard. I mean it. While shopping at the art market. Loved buying stuff for the new house! yeah!
I went running first thing in the morning. And had the courage to weigh myself. Hmmm.... I think it hasn't been this bad in 9 years. Ouch. Back to dieting. Low carb when I get home.
It's somehow a nice thought I have another 10 days of vacation...

Gonna do some adventurous stuff the coming days... stay tuned!

And about 2010:
Don't expect too much, but set your goals... high... don't stick to what seems reasonable or possible... shoot for the moon for chrissakes!!! don't be the one left with a compromise... do it all with conviction and passion, be a possibilitarian... remember YOU and only YOU make yourself happy... and you can make yourself miserable too... the amount of work is just the same...
and if you find yourself not liking something in your life, then change it... and if you can't change it... then change the way you think about it... give people more than they expect... believe in love at first sight... marry a man/ woman you love to talk to... love deeply and passionately... you will get hurt, but it is the only way to live completely... spend some time alone... judge all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself... don't be a cow standing in the rain... and ... you can't test courage cautiously...
so decide who or what you will be for the better part of this year/ decade.... the coward or the courageous one... the fearsome or loving.... the ignorant or intelligent?
ha!
have a happy, healthy one!

a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul

2009-12-31T15:57:00.002+01:00

It's the last day of 2009 and that alone is worth a celebration! Closing cases, burning bridges... leaving it all behind... AND DON'T LOOK BACK...!!!
Well, at least not in anger ;)
Ow, it was a nice year all and all... I don't want to sound gloomy. But it seriously disappointed me in many many ways... but then again... I had it coming right? The law of attraction, you get what you attract...
And I am sure it was needed to get me to where I am now... yadayada...
sometimes you just gotta be really cynical... and NOT take life too seriously!

So... been having a lazy day yesterday, finished the book, swam some, tanned some, ate and drank, went out for Mex food... yums... I know... kilos are cheap here... ;)

on the pic: the snoek on the braai...

okay folks! Next blog might be a vlog... and might be in the new decade....

Looking forward to seeing Mel and Jake again on Sat!!

Come to me, and rest against my shoulder. How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder.

2009-12-29T17:01:00.004+01:00

Today it's been a year exactly since my baby left. When I had to make the toughest decision in my life. When I cried, holding him, loving him, saying I am so sorry Stakke... and when the vet said: don't be sorry... you are helping him. Comfort.
Life without him is still hard to get used to.

Today I climbed Lion's Head. It was a good walk/ climb. Felt good. Not the getting up at 5.30am (that is 4.30am CET!!!) after a wonderful night with snoek on the braai and wine and nice conversation. Happy to meet people who dig a bit deeper.

Took a swim today, reading the book Enid gave me to read: Slumdog Millionaire (originally called Q&A). The sun is kind.

Once I built an ivory tower so I could worship from above when I climb down to be set free she took me in again

2009-12-27T19:33:00.003+01:00

Sunday morning, we went to the gym, and I did my cardio... finally... and had lunch over at a friend of Angie's... yummie wraps and nice drinks... and then... sushi! delicious. And left over banoffee pie... And so I must have gained 2 Kg already...
Today we went to Gordon's Bay, and Pringle Bay. Very beautiful... had Melktaart and Koeksisters and I know... another gym session coming up. As I wrote on FB: I have little to complain here. My friends are wonderful. Life is sweet. The sun merciless... I need factor 100.

I am very happy the whole Xmas shebang went like it went for me.
Something else:
I was reading this magazine... about 2009. It was called the year of "fake". And while reading I thought: indeed. It's all a big scam isn't it? We are being screwed, tricked, blinded, ambushed, cheated and treachered. And then why should I find it strange I have trust issues???

Oh well...far away from all the mind bothering issues... this holiday is perfect to relax and enjoy... thankful for it...

Let's Go Eat I'll Just Get Fat It's The One Vice Left-When You're Dead Meat

2009-12-25T19:47:00.003+01:00

What a marvelous Xmas day... fantastic food and drinks... lovely company... sweet cats... and of course the annual sun burn... the sun is killing... perpendicular... not like in Europe...
The flight was long - 11.5 hours - and I managed to survive... by watching movies, talking to the nice family next to me. Cute 5 year old, they are so adorable at that age, like my nephew (6)... they have a lot of fantasy.
Every time I fly, I think: I had a good life. No, not that I am scared of flying... I love it... but somehow it always seems risky... because of the numerous accidents? because of Lost? I do choose to sit in the tail section of a plane...because they were the survivors in Lost!
Anyways... we flew into a jetstream over the Mediterranean and my God, what a turbulence... hm... rocky... and the FA's stopped serving... just when I was hungry... ;)
I always keep my cellphone in my pocket. And I was actually thinking of whom to call in case of a crash. What would I say? I think I know exactly whom to call and what to say.
Back to the fun life: it was a great Xmas day... feeling the warm rays of the early morning sun... it is... you fill in the blanks...
Angie's parents came over and we had a braai, biltong, banoffe pie, brandy pudding...

Timo - Angie's cat - is the cutest... she slept on my bed this morning, cuddling... snuggling... touching paws (my hand, her paw) and the other two babies (Enid's) are also adorable... I miss my baby... the love of a cat... I keep telling you...

Without you the world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue...

2009-12-23T17:31:00.005+01:00

Never really gave it much thought, but it might have indeed been a very bad début de siècle... a decade from hell as Time magazine calls it...
In the US, a lot of bad shit did happen, and it affected us too:
electoral drama granting Bush his second term, declaring war to Afghanistan, Iraq, Tsunami, 9/11, Katrina, financial crisis...
And guess what... we owe it all to ourselves, serves us right for being ignorant and greedy!

I am not even gonna try to look back on a whole decade in my life. And of course I admit to being ignorant and greedy from time to time. I can only hope God knows I was generous and knowledgeable and smart and tolerant more often ;)

You never know what life has in store for you, but I think this decade has a good shot at qualifying for being the most turbulent decade in my life. Do I somehow hope it was? Yes... I don't have to want to run too fast, fly too high anymore.
I am ready for the deployment decade ;) Actually... this is sounding very good. Wow.

This year...2009... was nothing it promised to be
sigh
It started in grief and ended in loss.
In between... lots of highlights of course.
beautiful people (yes ... if the shoe fits....),
beautiful places
(Latin America, Barcelona, Roma, Grunn, Bruges, Road Trip US, South Africa)

failures and successes
and finally acknowledging my demons...

525 600 minutes... how do you measure a year?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died?
How about love? Measure in love.

I cried, I burned,
she died, I learned

When I measure in love... this year is no different from any other: blessed.

off to South Africa for 3 weeks now...
sun... friends.... animals.... family.... great food.... wine.... nature...
good ingredients for letting love shine!

And the love started shining this late afternoon... when I ran into Chacmool... my baby... I was on my way to post a letter, and he didn't like the cold icy snow to walk on, so I carried him the whole way and back... he loved it... and so did I... we are two souls connected... and I love him dearly

In my head, drown my fear, 'till you all just disappear...

2009-12-22T17:25:00.001+01:00

cause when you have more than you think you need more space

2009-12-21T19:24:00.004+01:00

It's solstice today and that means good news: days are getting longer again... and actually... today it's Christmas... did you know Christmas was the feast of celebrating Winter Solstice? But according to some Roman calendar it was the 24th. Mistake.
Another mistake is this: eating all the oliebollen!
OMG!

Not a mistake was watching Into the Wild again on Saturday night. N came over and she hadn't seen it... so I didn't mind watching it again, it is one of my faves after all. But this was the first time I noticed the music was sooo exceptional too. So now I am a fan of Eddie Vedder's soundtrack for the movie.

Still a lot of snow, and it keeps on snowing, so traffic is chaos, trains... well... "don't take the train" is the message.

And my message today is: read these quotes from the movie... ;)

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind..."

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."

"When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you."

And you think you have to want more than you need... until you have it all, you won't be free.

2009-12-20T13:58:00.001+01:00

love is a temple, love is the higher law, you ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl. Now I can't keep holding on, when all you got is hurt.

2009-12-19T15:46:00.003+01:00

Chances for a White Xmas are high. But I am not dreaming of one. No no... I am dreaming (of) other things. And it is clear what is controlling my life above and below the conscious line ;)

I had a good time downtown with N last night. Biking back in the freezing cold was horrible...! It is sooo cold... today also... I went out for some oliebollen.

I am a Belgian. My ancestors were the bravest among the Gallic folks. "We" are courageous. I don't know sometimes what defines me. We can be a lot; women (vs. men), Flemish (vs. Walloon), human (vs. aliens) ... so in order to define ... we need to define against. There is always the protagonist and the antagonist.
Same goes for feelings. You can love... only because you know what it is to unlove. etc...

I am courageous only because I know fear.

okay, move to strike some words in daily use:
- should
- let go
especially the combo of these two
I will not let go... unless I WANT to.
I move on. Sure.
But that is a totally different approach ... think about it.

we will have caught on to something by the end of the day, but mostly we think about the one that got away

2009-12-16T19:17:00.003+01:00

Well, next to vlogging, I wanna continue blogging. I just love writing...
I can't believe that next week already I am gone for 3 weeks. Yahoo.
This week, temps are below 0 and I am just not cut out for this kinda weather. Feeling good inside... laughing a lot... Xmas spirit is seeping through my skin... but at the same time... there are a million things on my mind. I am probably laughing them away. Which is ok. Until I collapse.

[Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.]

One of the things is the dreams... I have been dreaming the same thing over and over...
And then there are the blessings...I am thinking: they are more curses. Hmm... heck...
Ignorance is bliss.

Vlogging!

2009-12-15T20:28:00.002+01:00

I wanna get away from this place I do, but I can't and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why I just don't know.....

2009-12-13T17:45:00.003+01:00

This weekend I spent in Antwerp with 5 of my lovely friends and it was an awesome weekend! Lunch at my fave lunch place, guiding the bunch through Antwerp, some historical facts, drinking Gluhwein, eating waffles, pancakes, Mexican food, having interesting conversation, and most of all: had a BLAST. Laughing is good for you. It is. The xmas setting and the beautiful (but cold) weather made it all so nice. And I stayed in a hotel in my hometown for the first time in my life! It is a great place to stay too! There is an exposition from a very talented Dutch photographer and I fell in love with one of her images. Too bad it is a little expensive ;(
But it was a joy to be able to admire it...

Looks like the cold has set in, but fortunately I don't have to endure it much longer. Counting down to take off ;)

Lately, I have been reminded of keeping the faith. Really focused ...

Faith is raising the sail of our little boat until it is caught up in the soft winds above and picks up speed, not from anything within itself, but from the vast resources of the universe around us. (W. Ralph Ward)

deep in my heart I'm concealing, things that I'm longing to say, scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you slip away...

2009-12-10T17:12:00.005+01:00

Last night, I went ice skating! wooohooo... Hadn't done that in a while and it was so good to be there... a little careful at first but then full speed ahead. It's like biking, you never forget how to do this. I spent a lot of hours at the rink when I was growing up. I must have been a little dutchified already ;) You know the Dutch... they are crazy about skating. They are good at it too.

More detestable paperwork for the house... I can easily admit this is the saddest part of buying a house. I am all for digital personal records and cross data banking... in 20 years, all you need to do is an iris scan and POW... all your details will be revealed. Big brother is watching you? Yeah, but he is making your life a lot easier too! Unless you are up to some scam of course. Oh, come on, bending the rules will never go out of style.

I got my Xmas present Tue night: the Wii active and OMG ! I am over the moon with this work out "game". Fantastic.

Work has been busy busy and spent some time with systems etc... I love it, techie stuff.

Rethinking lots of things also... reflecting... mirroring... I don't really want to come to any conclusion. I am taking things the way they come. If you love life, life will love you back. And if not now, then when. This is it. This... not then or way back or yesterday or sometime or one day or soon or later. NOW.
you must love me

free to be a loser, free to be a trend, free to be backlashed over and over again

2009-12-06T16:44:00.002+01:00

I ran a great run, in perfect condition... I mean the weather... not cold, and lots of O2 in the air. And it feels GREAT afterwards. My absolute salvation. My drug.
Friday I went to an indoor soccer game. Was fun to see, made me think about doing a teamsport again. I miss the social interaction. But what? Hmm...
Saturday I learned about tiles, showers and floors. And I saw the furniture I wanna buy, but also saw other furniture I liked. Oh God, now what?
BTW: the pic is the St. Bavo Church here in Haarlem (not the one in the center). It's magnificent.
I spent the rest of the weekend in selfish mode... making cheesecake (almost ate all of it) and empanadas. I wrote another part in the book I am writing and contemplated some more on culture and sex. Yes ... sex. I realize it's still taboo for some people. I don't think it is in this culture however. It got me thinking about me and what a prude I was when I was younger. Some consider being prude a blessing. I know. Especially when you are raised catholic. It took me a long time and some aging to go through my own sexual revolution. But boy, am I glad I did it!
Anyway... I learned I offended someone recently with a line I wrote. Hm. I never ever intented to be offensive, it was flattering. But... I think I get it now. When I was young (read: prude), I found sexually flavored talk offensive too. It made me uncomfortable. So yes, I get it. Still... it is hard to believe you can still be a prude in the world we live in here in the West... I mean... 20 years ago... ok... but nowadays? I talk about sex with my friends. Well, not all of them, true. I know I have never blogged about it here and I have no intention to blog about bedroom secrets... but not bringing it up would mean giving in to keeping sex in that taboo cloud. Like we want that?

it's sad, so sad, it's a sad sad situation and it's getting more and more absurd

2009-12-04T17:42:00.003+01:00

I need new pics. Maybe another vacation. Oh right.... SOON! counting down to get away from all this. All these... weird situations and behaviors that don't make any sense. Including mine. I should stop stating things, I wrote it before. Once you state something, you are inviting the opposite to happen to you. And then when it happens you think: typical. Is it really? Or is it the law of attraction playing? Exactly like when you're denying something (you know... you then subconsciously really want it...).
I had this really awkward situation at work yesterday morning, after a bad night of sleep. Hurt. But then I guess I am glad I can express my feelings. It helped.

In my other process, the grieving is going according to plan. I have reached the stage of depression, which is great, it means the anger is out and I am close to acceptance. I am gonna be so much better at this next time I lose someone dear to me. And Stakke last year... doesn't count. Losing him was the worst loss of my life. And no one or nothing compares to him, so hands off!
I wish he was here. I am sure he'd understand.

No I am not losing my mind. In fact... since this morning's jog... it all became mucho claro. I suddenly realized something and these are insights that don't come by accident, I swear, and that is why I LOVE LIFE so much, because it has this mysterious way of ... making things happen and ... shining a light on something that you already learned of course. Oh I know. I am sounding chaotic. But I am happy I remembered the importance of culture and wow, I could write a paper on it - oh wait, I did of course! - but it's here, it's there, it's everywhere and don't you go and try to deny it. So yes. Things are making more sense now. And I guess I am the kind of person who scrutinizes... until it makes sense.

I'll be you, let's trade shoes just to see what it be like to feel your pain, you feel mine go inside each other's minds just to see what we'd find

2009-12-02T19:57:00.002+01:00

I came home late today... and Chacmool came RUNNING to me... now what is more beautiful in life than that? to have the unconditional love of a loving creature like him. And of course, he KNEW he had to be there for me... because today... I tell you... just when you think you've heard it all... someone lashes out to me... accusing me of betraying their trust... really... that is a huge thing to say to someone... and for chrissakes, not the thing to say to me unless you are prepared to get the full load from me. I ain't taking no shit from no one... and when push comes to shove... I stand up for me! You better believe it.

There, glad I put all that crap behind me.

I found out Suske and Wiske are called Spike and Suzy in English. Lol.
I love their comic books... read one of them the other day... must have been 30 years since I last done that! There was some intelligent humor in it. Like that.

I saw the sun yesterday. Almost didn't recognize her. And btw... she is dying... I read it... no more explosions on the sun... we are heading for another ice age... so forget global warming issues... in fact... let's warm up the earth some more! lol

About the shoes: yes
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I've seen chaos and order reign supreme

2009-11-29T12:37:00.004+01:00

Sleepy Sunday... I can sleep all day... that is how it feels...
Had a very very good home made Macedonian dinner last night.... over at D's ...mmm... was a great evening and again nice convo. The weather sucked... rain, rain, rain... I don't like driving hours like that, but that is the way it is. The alternative would be to stay home and sit on the couch - which I don't even have (but soon...I will!)
Friday night was sauna night again... K came over...lovely, relaxing... was good to catch up.

Piano lesson was great the other day... love the learning and I feel inspired and motivated... which is all it takes to be passionate about something.

Chacmool was here again Friday. He makes my day. So thankful.

Yesterday I made a decision to deal with the anger. And it helps. You see, you can sit back and moan and be angry and sad and keep wondering. Or you can have the courage, be audacious, act, share, convey. I am a Gemini, I am naturally driven to the latter. Mercury rules my life.
Lately I am proud of me for having the ability to let go... I thought....but I have always had it... tho in a more extreme form... I burn bridges. Letting go and do nothing would mean: trust time.
How the hell can I trust time? I don't have time.

Remember the time we got drunk on wine by the sea

2009-11-24T20:22:00.005+01:00

Well, I signed the contract. Not much can go wrong now. I am moving in March. YES.
I am still a little surprised I am doing this. Me... doing this status thing. I don't know. It just feels right. Maybe I just want to make the most of things, and it happens to include a house now.
Does it matter?

Saturday was incredibly relaxing... spent a whole day in the sauna, had dinner and drinks and a massage. Yep, I really spoiled myself. And the company was great. Beautiful people in my life... Met a couple of more on Sunday... visited grandma, my brother and his family were there too... and then hung out with my dear chicas in Antwerp in one of our fave places... and then... all I could say is: thank you.

My anger is still there. But I am dealing with it. It is slowly fading. The subject really isn't worth it anyway. Yeah, I can be very harsh... once the camel's back is broken by the straw...;)
Then again... I am sure it all happens for a reason. So all and all... I am happy with the anger!
It will take me to a better place eventually...

Running is going well, piano is going great.
Chac was here today, at the front door. He walked with me for a few blocks. Crazy cat. He is a divine creature... always shows up when I need some support. And then he makes my day... he does... he makes me smile inside and outside... because I feel Stakke's love through him.

And the people who make my life hard... well... at first you think: poor people and if you can't beat them... join them!

Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you

2009-11-20T19:01:00.002+01:00

Not sure how this emo mix is affecting me... love, anger, joy,
disappointment, fun, hardship... hey, it's a lot like life... ;)
Oh, you can have the best of intentions... and then be misunderstood anyway. I am mastering the art of letting go... seriously... and yes... it makes me numb and less involved... but maybe it's worth a try... another survival mechanism.
I let go of the tax dpt issue... and what do you know... the forms arrived.
So it does work...
I celebrated my purchase on Wed with N... in my fave bar downtown... lovely... I am starting to realize it really is gonna be a big project, renovating this house... but I am sooooo keen on moving now...
I will miss Chac... my baby... he is such a sweetie... and I see so much of Stakke in him... God I miss him, I told him a hundred times about the house... and I still imagine him snuggling with me. Be at peace baby...
I feel vengeful lately... I despise bigotry ... and I would almost go to war to fight it...
The weekend will do me good: sauna, massage, dinner, wine, family, friends...

jump off that sofa... let's kick it ... off

2009-11-17T19:23:00.002+01:00

Sunday I was feeling remarkably better. Miracle. Still coughing tho. It was a blitz virus. It was good. Mandatory resting. Reading, watching movies... Pushing Tin... Mamma Mia... it made me laugh... over and over again...

I am planning stuff for the move etc... it's fun... I really can't wait. Once I got my mind set on something... ;)
But ... I first have this wonderful vacation coming up for xmas. I got a feeling that this one's gonna be a good one... that this one's gonna be a good one...

To what extend are we capable of testing our emotions?
I think I tested my anger. I am good at it. I can swear and curse... and strike hard... in words. Pretty powerful. But I am also becoming better at anger management. You first need anger in order to manage it right. Anyway, I think I was entitled to anger... haha... I sometimes think I am too good for the world, a VERY strong will to please everyone and then feel guilty when I fail...
well ... I am proud of me for saying: ENOUGH. HA!
While I was testing my anger, I also lifted my pain treshold. I burned my finger holding a cup of tea. I didn't allow the pain somehow. Now I have a second degree burn. Conclusion: strong emotions make you stronger. It's the hormone thing. Adrenaline etc. no? Or "just" the mind?

Oh sympathy where have you gone?

2009-11-14T09:57:00.002+01:00

What an AWFUL weather... this must be the darkest day of the year... rain too... not cold... and I am sick as a dog. Nasty virus got to me. Haven't felt this bad in a long time. But it will pass... tea and rest will have to help me.
Shame that I need to sacrifice a whole weekend. And not being able to run.
Hasta la victoria!

There is a silver lining in the clouds mind you. A very big one... like a silver banner almost! I closed the deal on the house yesterday! Moving in March 1.
There is a lot to do... in preparing and even more once I get the keys... this house will be a big fun project! Can't wait!

here we come here we go ...

2009-11-10T18:43:00.002+01:00

wow... exciting times. I made an offer for the house I am interested in and I am soooo thankful that this really great person was there to check the house. I am lucky. And life shows once more: it's all about networking... connecting. A hot topic during one of the discussions in Amsterdam on Sunday. It was a fantastic day with wonderful people... and love...and Amsterdam... again... it is the city where you meet people and have good conversations and where situations are just so... in the moment...
Some sad news at work, one of my fine colleagues leaving the company... but it will be a new start I guess... sometimes letting go... is not a sign of weakness, yet the result of feeling strong enough.
And then letting go... is one of the hardest things. Step back. Remember you can't walk a mile in someone's shoes even if you wanted it.
I believe in do good and receive good. I sometimes wonder if I am doing my best at being a good person... I try. And I light the candles.

Nous irons dans les campagnes pour cueuillir des fleurs des champs

2009-11-05T17:34:00.004+01:00

What a true Fall it is. Rain and rain and dark. Don't seem to bother me none. I feel so good, I go running in the morning... in the rain... and feel great afterwards.
I must be in my crying week. I got emotional again last night... watching the very last performance of Rent on Broadway. I was completely off the planet. I was there... in the Nederlander Theatre. Remembering me actually being there in the Fall of 2007. Rent for me... it is one big magical journey, from the day I picked the musical (not knowing anything about it), to the night I saw it, to the day I bought the DVD, to the process of learning more about the story and most of all the composer (Jonathan Larson) and what a tragedy it was ... This man... I consider... I can't say God, but I worship him anyway. So last night... this audiovisual signals (thanks to my new region free dvd player) put a spell on me again. Goosebumbs. Emotions. And there was no other world. That, my friends, is what I think life is all about. Similar experiences I had playing Softball (yep, I do remember and keep dreaming about it all the time).

No tears during my appraisal @work yesterday. It was ok. I mean... my overachievement got acknowledged here and there... so yeah... I guess I am content. The real benefit of these afternoons is being confronted with your shortcomings. You live, you learn. But you don't change who you are. People are people and we know by now that most of the time, they prefer to project their own reality onto others.

Tomorrow I am checking out another house. I am still interested in the other one too. Just need to check some things. I still think it is WOW. Me settling... and being so ready for it.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody's gonna slow me down

2009-11-03T18:24:00.003+01:00

Grey's Anatomy made me cry last night. God it was sad. And endearing. And sad. And emotional. I hardly ever cry when watching tv. But I didn't mind.
I am househunting. It's exciting. And fun. And exciting...!
Had a wonderful time Sunday late afternoon... early evening. Went downtown for dinner with N. And of course some great Merlot. The days are getting darker... eeeeuuuuw... but hey... time to light the candles!

Chacmool was here this morning. That funny little cutie pie always knows exactly when to come comfort me, cuddle me, talk to me, purr in my arms and kiss me with his little wet nose... and then he is off again... to live to the fullest... not passing by on any kind of adventure...

you know that faith is your foundation with a whole lotta love and a warm conversation... but don't forget to pray

2009-10-31T14:32:00.004+01:00

There is no denying: shopping is FUN. I LOVE it. It must be an oestrogen dominated activity... and hey... then I can't help it!!! lol!!! I biked downtown this morning... bought new clothes, new Nintendo games, and some tapas for lunch and the ingredients for my DELUXE Oreo cheesecake... mmmm.... also gonna make a quiche for dinner.
I found harmony. In my head and body. I never knew it would fit me this well. What a great feeling. (I am still not sure what brought it on.... maybe the extra vitamins and minerals I am taking? Was I the victim of a deficiency maybe? or maybe I am just learning to be relaxed... stop running away... suppress the restless soul... or MAYBE it IS SATURNUS going into Libra... ha!)

I still miss Stakke... so much... I can still feel him. I will never stop crying for him.

I went to see a house yesterday... not bad.... but there is another one on the list on Tue... excited about it... I am really gonna do it. Wow. Wow wow!

Doing interval running during the week now. I read about it... the advantages... true... and it's a good time saver (if you run early in the morning).
All Souls day on Monday. I pray for the loved ones we lost ... and the loved ones that are alive too...

I know some shit's so hard to swallow and I just can't sit back and wallow in my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

2009-10-29T18:57:00.004+01:00

I am feeling so good. Don't know why but it doesn't matter... I am sleeping soooo well, makes me feel reborn... and I am running... even at 6.45am! Had a great evening with my landlords last night... feeling a little buzzed ... haha... lovely feeling...
I had my first lesson with my new piano teacher on Tue, and it seems I am really gonna study piano now... scales etc... exciting!!!
Driving back home that night, I drove thru Haarlem... and I did that for a reason (thanks GPS)... I absolutely love living here. So what am I waiting for? I have started the hunt.... for a house!!!

walk a mile in my shoes, just to see what it's like to be me

2009-10-26T17:58:00.004+01:00

Had a great Sunday editing video for YouTube: check it out.

The fact that I am sleeping well lately... is so wonderful. Like being reborn. I forgot how it was. I forgot the impact.

Other than that... I am proposing a new word - a verb - in the English dictionary: perspectify. It is the act of putting things in perspective.
I am trying to become an expert at it. hence the title of my blog.
it is a great survival mechanism.
and if that doesn't help, I remind me of my other life motto: Everything happens for a reason.
So in every situation, how good or bad it is, I think: it is happening for a reason, dear.
And then I accept it.

time time time see what's become of me

2009-10-25T11:14:00.002+01:00

What a nice Sunday. Sleeping in. Jogging. French toast.
Saw the kids yesterday... they are growing (up) so fast. Darlings.
and made it to the movies to see Julie and Julia... wow... Meryl Streep is sublime. She is. And the story was lovely too... makes you want to buy that book. Remarkable.

Lately I find life is proving me wrong. I mean... not just me... it's this mechanism... which leaves me either with a big question mark or with a state of acceptance that is so close to being indifferent. What am I talking about? When you say and think something in a very affirmative way - let's say for example "I don't like flowers at all" - you find yourself loving the flowers you receive two days later. The same thing happens when you are denying something. But then again, that is the very definition of denial no? When something becomes too uncomfortable, you tend to reject it immediately. ahh..the comfort zone thing... yes... I am aware.
and it also goes for expressions like: "I would never..." and then the next week, you find yourself in that "would never" situation. So what is the conclusion? There is none. It is what it is. You just need to be careful with stating things I guess. It does provide a very very large window of opportunity! And that... dear reader ... is the best news of the day... because YOU are soooo powerful... you and only you have the power to seize!

Your mom was wrong...

2009-10-22T15:17:00.000+02:00

Ten Cold-and-Flu Myths Debunked

it's a lot like life

2009-10-20T17:46:00.005+02:00

Exhale. Been a good week and an even better weekend. Getting back in shape. Happy to be running again. I need it, it's my healer.
Had a wonderful time with my friends in Antwerp Saturday, was GREAT to catch up. Sunday was a sublime day in Amsterdam with D. It was perfect. Makes me smile... K came over for coffee... just like that... so sweet... and being in Amsterdam was nice, I sometimes forget what a great city it is.... and so close by... lucky me.
New challenges at work... I love making things better, using new technology or relatively new... it IS a big company, you know how it is.
I am happy. I feel good and not afraid about what is happening to me with regard to feelings.

I don't know how the planets are influencing us lately, but I notice the same song among a lot of people: people are acting weird... I suspect projection... of fears...

The ego? whatever it is... it is what it is.

ow, and I am making friends with the Tax dept. ! well the Belgian one not quite, they owe me some money and I am now getting help (I hope) from the National Mediator (Ombudsman). Let's hope the tax dept in Antwerp will see the light and send me the freaking form!

parla con me, parlami di te Io ti ascolterò vorrei capire di più quel malessere dentro che hai tu.

2009-10-16T23:47:00.003+02:00

Quite a week. Glad working week is over. Celebrated the weekend tonight. Went over to my friend N... was very nice. I realized once again I miss a home. Like a full grown place... I am happy with my little place, but you know what I mean... I miss having a real place.

I left the house around 7pm and Chacmool was out. I missed him. We cuddled. Then I came home half an hour ago, got out of the car and he came running to me. OMG. He wanted to stay with me. Pain in my heart I had to leave him outside. He has a home... a family

so tell me how we fail to understand

2009-10-14T18:04:00.005+02:00

Today, it is Stakke's b-day. He would have turned 17. My baby... it still takes a lot of getting used to... life without him. I miss everything about him. And that is a lot to miss...

getting back in my rhythm, slept well... worked hard... was called upstairs as a First Aid officer... woman in trouble. called the paramedics anyway. It wasn't bad... not like I had to perform CPR or anything. Which I would've done... without hesitation if it would've been necessary. I think - but I am not a doctor - she had a high bloodsugar (symptoms). She'll be fine. no panic

I learned a hard lesson. it was mine to learn, but I am disappointed ... in myself the most I guess... for stumbling in that hole in the street again. I shouldn't have chosen the street in the first place. God, contemplations... too many...
Very convinced however this had to happen. For a reason. Oh yes.

it's cold and sunny... Autumn is a funny season. I like the colors outside, the clothes, but I hate the moods sometimes... and the getting up in the morning... the darkness... but I love the candle lights and the fire place...
looking fwd to a GREAT weekend, meeting lots of WONDERFUL people!!!

2009-10-13T22:22:00.000+02:00

2009-10-11T14:53:00.001+02:00

Final post on road trip

2009-10-11T11:48:00.005+02:00

where was I? Right the Mojave desert. Joshua Tree Park was soooo beautiful. Did a small hike there. you have to be there to understand the beauty. I hope the pics will show it somehow. BTW I got home this morning, after a long journey (got up at 4.30am in Vegas!).
Just took a shower and my biggest fear has come true: I DID gain 6 pounds ... OMG... in 2 weeks time??? Damn... the oversized culture.
Anyway.. after Joshua Tree... we drove to and through Death Valley. No cell phone signal there. We stayed at the Furnace Creek Ranch. We saw a coyote (they beg for food). We watched the Division Series... great games! and visited Badwater (the lowest point in the US, two hundred something feet below sea level (85,5 m). We hiked through the Gold Canyon and watched the sun set at Zabriskie point. It was hot in the Valley. Love it. the whole valley is awesome. I have to go back.
We drove to Lake Mead to get to Hoover Dam. Amazing construction. And then checked into Hooters Casino Hotel right at the strip. I walked the strip twice on Thursday and then again on Friday. MY FEET HURT. Watched the Vulcano eruption at the Mirage, the boat show at Treasure Island (GREAT) and of course... played the slots... I think I got round with 15$... winning some, losing some, in different casinos. It's a great feeling to cash money you win. Vegas is special. Very special. Not sure I wanna go there again. It was good to experience. Pics will tell more. We watched Ray Romano and Brad Garett perform at the Mirage the last night. Was a great show, really fun!

and now back home... glad ...
it was an amazing trip... wow... I can't wait to start on the pics!! and the movie!!!

WE DROVE 4220 MILES in 15 days (almost 6800km)!!!!!

final contemplations:
- the red Zin is absolutely the best wine (love Cali for this)
- I love Arizona and California and New Mexico for the breath taking nature and even more so for the perfect climate
- I love the desert
- Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind. ~Seneca

one more

2009-10-06T17:23:00.002+02:00

It's 8.30 in the morning... it's cold and sunny this early in the desert. Staying at 29 Palms Inn (recommended by an US Army Orthopedic Surgeon, whom we met Sunday night at a bar in La Jolla). The day in La Jolla was good, walked along the ocean shore ... had coffee, and ended up in the bar drinking Blood Orange Margaritas!!!
San Diego Zoo was nice but didn't see why it is the best zoo in the world...?!
After the zoo, we drove to the desert
my fave place... sunny, dry, calm, cold at night, they even have snow here in Winter...

Today Joshua Tree, then Death Valley, then Vegas, then home.

another post

2009-10-04T17:52:00.002+02:00

Today it is Sunday... taking it easy in La Jolla, CA, close to San Diego. Wanted to go to Mission Beach, but I didn't really like the atmosphere there... too many young people... and all hotels were booked anyway. Pretty expensive too!
Lake Powell in Glenn Canyon was awesome! we took a boat trip through some canyons, Navajo Canyon was great, tapestry on the wall. Not only were there 4 Dutch people on the boat, a whole group of Belgian tourists too! Was fun to talk to them. Very nice people.
After the lake, we drove to the Grand Canyon, stopped at the Cameron Navajo Trading Post. I drove all the way into the canyon at dusk... very beautiful. Only to find out all lodges were sold out. Bummer. Even in the next town Tuyasan. The only option was Valle. We managed to get a room there late at night. The next morning, sort of decided to hit the road instead of driving into the Canyon again (both Tom and I have seen it before, the south rim). I really wanted to go to the North rim to walk on the skywalk, but I guess I'll have to come back sometime!
The car said: change oil. So after some consultation (me calling my cousin and waiting for a local garage to open)... we were on our way to CA... driving through the Californian desert, saying goodbye to my fave state Arizona... Last night, we had dinner at an Italian restaurant. Risotto. Great. Local wine. Gonna do some walking (maybe beach too, but it's not THAT warm it seems).
Weatherwise we have been very lucky... it's storming everywhere we were before...
Tomorrow to San Diego Zoo and after that... I think I want to head North again, look for the dry sunny weather.. Mojave Desert maybe... after that Death Valley and Las Vegas. Flying back Saturday...

Post 4

2009-10-02T05:33:00.003+02:00

Roswell: museum was ok. Then drove to White Sands. WOW! never seen anything like this!!!! this is where they shot some Star Wars scenes... amazing. Hot, quiet, white... as if I was doing an expedition on the North Pole :)
Then to El Paso, TX. Had a great steak at the Steakhouse; great Margaritas and a lovely waitress:)
The next day we crossed the border to Juarez, Mexico. On foot. Went to the mercado and bought a silver ring and a nice bracelet. Then on our way to Tombstone, AZ. We are getting used to country music and roadrunners...
On the way we stopped for a wine tasting. mmmm.
So last night; we were in Tombstone. ended up in the karaoke... and yes; after some Margaritas I sang... not one but 4 duets!!! lol!!! soooo much fun
Today, in the morning we walked around Allen Street and learned about the OK Corall shooting and witnessed a series of gun fights.
Then on the road again to Flagstaff... I drove through the BEAUTIFUL Arizona Canyons. We are here at 8000 ft. That means 75 degrees COLDER... brrrr...
tomorrow to Lake Powell, Utah
sorry for being brief... more later!

Post 3

2009-09-29T06:35:00.002+02:00

Texas, the state of guns, death penalty and the most deadly cases of the Mex Flu... and of course the state of oil... we left the lone star state already. Drove to Dallas; had a good swim in the hotel; walked to the historic district (West End) and realized this is the very calm season. No people! Had margaritas and dinner at TGIF... that was the 27th.
Today, we wanted to see the JFK museum, but it was closed. Did some shopping at the Wild Wild West Store; bought a hat; bracelet. Then drove to Fort Worth; Nice; the Stockyards. I ate a worm. and bought a John Denver CD! lol
We decided to go ahead and drive to Roswell. Just had a GREAT burger; shot some pool...
The drive was long and lots of ranches; desert like scenery also. I think we did 1600 miles already!!!
btw: I had to show my ID to get a Tequila haha.
Tomorrow: check out the aliens and White Sands.

Roadtrip - post 2

2009-09-27T03:17:00.002+02:00

It's almost 8.30pm now. We are in Lafayette, Louisiana.
Yesterday: great breakfast, even baked my own waffle! World of Coca Cola was very nice, not a lot of people... at all! Tasted a lot (not all 64 brands). Watched 4D movie. Every employee is a happy one there. Then left Atlanta, drove to Mobile, Alabama. Great coffee, sweets, ice cream. We drove in 4 states (ATL, MI, AL, LA) and then arrived in New Orleans. Hotel very close to French Quarter and OMG, what a lively city!!! We HAD to go to Pat O'Brien's to drink the one and only Hurricane... yummie... had a great time... had a very very good jambalaya afterwards.

Today: it felt very humid, tropical and there were some dark clouds. We walked around in the Big Easy for a while, did some souvenir shopping. Fleurs de Lis everywhere... Then left New Orleans and stopped at a sugar plantation called Oak Alley. We had a tour in the mansion. Wow... very cool... beautiful. I want to know more about the history of the state LA. Had Gumbo for lunch, drove on to Lafayette, had another GREAT dinner... yucca, plantains... my kinda food!
Did I mention we had BAD weather? Thunderstorm... in New Orleans when we left...
Over here, sunny.
I will be happy to leave the sticky and sweaty climate behind...! We might run into it again in San Diego but for the coming week: it will be warm and dry.
Tomorrow, we are off to Texas...

Day one - US Roadtrip

2009-09-25T13:58:00.003+02:00

It's now 8am. We are in Atlanta.
Flight was long, but everything went smoothly.
Not so smoothly is the muscle in my back I think I tore RIGHT before I left my house!!
anywho. Weather is very nice here, somewhat sticky.
I had a good time so far, really cracked me up when the FA asked Tom if he really was 21 when he ordered wine!! lol
Saw the movie I love you man on the plane (only b/c there is a scene in there, set in The Grove in LA that I witnessed last year when I was there!!!)
and filled the hours playing an addictive game called Bejeweled.
We managed to get a very nice car, Chrysler Sebring... sweet...
When we got to the hotel, first thing we did was take a swim (YES ME!! I never do that) and it was wonderful.
then went out for dinner, very nice chat with the owner...
drove around a bit, lovely houses with them porches...
Just had brekkie, baked myself a waffle! hehe... mmm...
I think that is about it... getting ready for The world of Coca Cola... then a long drive ahead
stop in Mobile, Alabama and then continue to New Orleans, Louisiana!!!

but I know I'll be hunting high and low

2009-09-23T19:16:00.002+02:00

I made it! vacation! never been THIS stressed out. Work was not fun anymore...
I think the worked up attitude didn't do much good with my communication towards the people I love.

This time tomorrow I am sipping on a cocktail in Atlanta...

LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

take good care of yourselves and to whom it may concern: I love you.